A Journey

Chapter 6

Keeping the child within you alive is not really hard at all. I think being spontaneous is one quality of childhood that gives us much pleasure in life. Of course we have responsibilities as adults but once in a while it's great fun to just play hooky . To let things slide and enjoy life.

A very good friend of mine that was in his late seventies passed away a few years ago.He was such a wonderful person. On any given day whether it was sunny or cloudy we would explore the countryside in his little red car. You could say we were "smelling the roses." Sometimes we'd get to an intersection out of the city and out of the blue he would say :"Quick! right or left?" and I'd have to pick one out of the blue and away we'd go not knowing where we'd end up that day . People would pass us by in their vehicles busily going to and from their destinations missing scenes that would have touched them deeply had they taken the time to slow down a bit. When we'd see them coming up behind us we'd pull off to the side to let them pass by.

On one such day trip I saw a porcupine. He was sitting on his hind legs on the side of the road munching on something .The morning light shone on him like a spotlight. He was the most beautiful creature I think I have ever seen . His quills were a deep rich brown and every tip seemed dipped in gold. We stared at each other for a good five minutes .I could see the whites of his eyes then he just casualy waddled away. I was stunned. I had seen porcupines before but this time I really "SAW" a porcupine.

Beauty is just a word. I don't think there is anything in the world that is truly ugly . We just don't "see" things in the right light or in the right way. Maybe it's just in our attitudes or our perceptions but I swear that morning I was given a glimpse of perfection in that little guy and when I think about it now am very glad I forgot to bring my camera. I probably would have fumbled with the buttons and missed the moment just like I did the morning we stumbled across the cutest little bear cub sunning himself on a boulder by the side of the road on the country road north of the city limits.

We miss so many moments don't we because we are so preoccupied with seeing things without really seeing them. I guess we have to slow down and learn to appreciate what we have and live in the moment. I know we are so busy and life has a way of grabbing all of our attention and holding it hostage .

I am very grateful to my friend Frank for having stepped into my life at a very difficult time in mine . He was approaching the end of his life. He taught me valuable lessons and one is that you're never too old to to see the world through the eyes of a child..Time does etch our years on this earth like rivers on the skin but the child within us still sees the world as the miracle it truly is.

You know ?! It's really true what they say :"You don't know what you've got till it's gone" so it's best to make every moment count because there is no turning back. Only in memories can we take a backward step so then why not try to build a few good times and leave the sad ones behind us by not dwelling on them so much. I have many great memories shared with this wonderful person .He taught me a lot about life and unconditional love and I'll never forget the ways in which he managed to grow through so much while still keeping the wonder of the world in his eyes and heart . He wasn't perfect but was loved by many. He learned by his mistakes and near the end of his life especially, saw it all as a gift. a

I know I would like to be remembered with a smile rather than a frown and to know that when I leave this world I will have made a bit of a difference in a good way . Why follow the crowd? Why be like everybody else? Why try to constantly accumulate things just because everybody else has it. Much better to develop your own uniqueness and bend with the wind.

I never considered myself a people person. Maybe it was just fear that kept others at bay when I was growing up . I can't remember how many times someone would come up to me and say

"Smile Paulette . What are you so sad about? What are you thinking about that has such a frown on your face? Aren't you in a good mood? For Pete's sake smile."

I would tell them "This is just my regular face. I'm NOT SAD so leave me alone!"What was I?!! a barometer for everyone's mood? I suppose some people carry their emotions on their faces . I've been told I have a very expressive face . Sometimes when we go about our daily routines we get so immersed in whatever we're doing or thinking about that we forget everything else around us and our feelings and inner selves reflect our emotions and it's on our faces for everyone to see... frown lines anyone??

To this day if I happen to breathe a little too deeply next to someone I'm apt to get a "What's the matter?!!".This doesn't bother me anymore because I tend to smile a lot just because I've found that others feel good when I do .

I am a heavy breather and a deep thinker what can I say?! Maybe I'll trick myself in sad times into believing I am deliriously happy and it'll catch on and the world around me will change. If it works why not try?I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain .

I sure thought deep thoughts and analyzed a lot when I was a child . It would keep me awake at night .

Have you ever been so tired of "thinking " all night in bed in the dark when all you wanted was to sleep? then finally nodded off from sheer exhaustion only to wake up again as though someone had nudged you to say "Hey!!! we're not through with this problem . Wake up and solve this!"

Crying in the middle of the night feeling as though the world is trying to snuff you out is hard enough when you're an adult but when you're a child it brings new meanings to the word nightmare.

I would fall asleep asking Mother Mary to help me. I knew that she was very special because if Jesus had her as a mother she had to be perfect and I knew she would listen and understand and could fix things for me and so I got into the habit of saying Hail Mary's till I'd finally drift off to sleep. Sometimes I would scream in the middle of the night and my mother would come into the bedroom and hold me for a while. I didn't know any other way to explain it but by saying that I felt the ceiling was falling on me.

One day I locked horns with my mom and blurted out with all the fervor of a six year old child speaking the truth.

"You aren't the only Mother I have."

Oh really !? she replied.

"Yes" I said "I have Mother Mary. She's my mother in Heaven so I have two moms.... hummmph!!"

She looked at me dumbfounded but not for long and with the fury and righteousness only a harried mom can muster she exploded "If Mother Mary is your mom than let HER come from her throne way up in Heaven down here with the rest of us and clean this mess and cook your food and do the laundry then she can call herself your mom !"

Boy was she ever angry. Mom didn't like any back talk. We spoke about this little scenario years later and she told me that no sooner were the words out of her mouth she felt sorry for having said this and guilty for having insulted Mother Mary and she thought that she could almost feel the stroke of lightning that could have lambasted her any second from above. We had a good laugh about it decades later.

What a life !

Lighten up. Don't take life so seriously .Stop and smell the roses .Give yourself permission to be human. We are given many chances in life to get it right . Mistakes are part of the learning process and earth is a hell of a school.

We are here for such a short time you know?! Lets leave the burdens by the wayside and carry ourselves with the wonder of life and see the humor in moments like this.

Maybe if we kept our sense of humor the big heavy ball we sometimes carry in the pit of our stomach or the aching lump in our throats or the anger or the fears we have would seem less overwhelming.

I still wake up in the middle of the night but the ceiling isn't falling on me anymore. I do wake up at 3 or 4 sometimes but I just grab a pillow and turn over knowing that there is no such thing as a boogieman and that sometimes dreams need to be experienced as nightmares until we are ready to face in the waking world whatever it is that brings them on.

A comforting hug from your bed partner if you have one is worth all the gold in the world in the dark of night when you wake up in a panic but if you are alone it helps to remember that you are not the only one going through "stuff".

Changing your focus sure beats peering at the clinging shadows through that breathing hole in the blankets after a nightmare.

I guess I'm still a big baby when it comes to letting my imagination run wild in the dark.I love watching old scary movies and so I don't like my foot or arm to stick out of the blankets over the sides of the mattress. You never know what might be lurking under the bed ready to take a bite... seriously !!

Keeping the child alive within you allows your imagination to run wild with the joy of living knowing that everything is possible. It lets you see the world with eyes that know only the moment and if you can balance this with the adult person you are now with all of the wisdom you have accumulated in your life until now I think it could bring you so much peace and happiness and no doubt would spill out into the world around you..

I'm working on it and so today I'm going to put my feet up , finish the quart of ice cream that I've been trying to ignore , leave the dishes and laundry for another day and go take a nice long walk in the snow with my camera.. or maybe I'll just leave the thing behind because I don't want to miss another miracle.