Chapter 7

Control . I like to think sometimes that after all these years I finally have control over my life . When we lose control and our emotions go haywire especially when our relationships don't go the way we'd like them to we're bound to hear :"You can only control your reaction to things and people .You can't control others and their reactions ." That little voice inside yourself that thinks it knows it all is sometimes right on the button.Not everyone that comes in contact with us is going to like us and it goes the other way also.I used to shake like a leaf when I was younger if I thought for a moment that I had displeased someone . anyone.. It was enough to stop me in my tracks and put a wall between whoever or whatever it was and me. I would shake and shake not being able to verbalize the anger or the hurt or embarrassment so I developed a way of feeling better .I just talked myself out of it .

I told myself over and over again that it was my own shortcomings that had caused this negativity and that it really didn't bother me at all. I refused to acknowledge my emotions and buried them so deep that the shakes would disappear and I could pretend everything was ok .Everything is not ok if you bury your emotions .Someday the'll bubble up and you'll explode in waves of anger at the world for doing this to you .It really hurts too much to blame yourself so it's easy to blame everything and everybody for things not going our way . I guess one has to learn the hard way that the world does not revolve around you so get over yourself . EEK! That hurts doesn't it?

I think we have to learn to forgive ourselves for being human ,for not being perfect and learn to love the person that looks at us in the mirror every morning . We are still here despite all the little aggravations that will pop up in the coming days . Most times the only one that can pat us on the back is ourself so a good morning smile at the courage it takes to get up in the morning and face another day is all we need to dispel any negative clouds hanging over our head.

The child lives in a world in which Mom and Dad are everything .They revolve around him night and day making all the decisions taking care of every need and every boogy man.

Some children are lucky getting the right balance between learning their lessons on their own with just enough supervision to keep them from really hurting themselves . I'm only speaking my thoughts on this because no way am I qualified to get under your skin to see what makes you tick . I'm just learning about myself and I've been here for a long time..

Growing up is a process of breaking away from who or what controls you and loves you by learning how to live comfortably within your own skin and moral standards while keeping your individuality and trying to fit in a society that seems to have taken over from your parents .

There are society's rules and then we have our own rules and morals and a well rounded person meshes quite well with others in life . At least on the outside .I think there are always battles raging inside each and everyone of us between our human and divine nature and I suppose this is how we grow .Shall I take the easy way or the hard way ? Shall I say yes to this or no? Decisions are always a constant in absolutely everything we do and with all experiences we learn what hurts , what doesn't hurt and live according to the unique reactions we have to everything our focus is on at the moment, except for maybe the truly sick person that cannot or will not choose his own moral path with any degree of consistency.

Free will.Free will to choose.This is basically what we go through in life from babyhood till we step out of our worn out bodies at the end of it..Not all of us have a hundred years to live but it all counts . Every breath counts .

I don't think anyone really ever knows the "you" that you know...probably not even yourself ...

We are all in the same boat stepping on each others' toes or helping each other along the way with compassion ,empathy or total indifference depending on how far we have come in understanding why we as a person are here living in this world .

I did eventually marry a really nice person and we had two children .One year led into another then another and after 37 years one day the bubble burst and I decided to stop trying to control my life by outwaiting my patience.He was married to his job and we drifted apart because of a lack of common goals and dreams and then when retirement came I realized there was nothing left in me to hold us together..

I had been stuck in the mindset that if I did everything right, followed all the rules a miracle would happen and I'd wake up some morning without the loneliness and hurt in the pit of my stomach that had transformed itself into panic attacks and depression.. .It doesn't get better. It just gets worse when the years start to take their toll emotionally and physically on a person that hasn't the self esteem or courage to be a little more selfish.

When you look outside yourself for answers to all your problems it's like hanging your aspirations and wishes on something or someone that you hope will miraculously do all the the work for you .

There's no such thing as an easy way out of learning all your lessons in unconditional love .You have to earn your way . Society can't do it . Your mate can't do it .Your parents can't either .

And so you are out in this world with "you" and guess what? You're just like everybody else wanting to fit in,afraid of the unknown and wanting to be love and accepted.

We all need someone to tell us sometimes that we are doing a good job ,.. that we are loved .. It's a need for validation and approval . Some of us are more needy than others but that's just life . We are developing at our own speed that's for sure

You have to do it all by yourself .

You have to learn to love and respect "you" because sometimes you are the only one around to give yourself a hug and a pat on the shoulders and this'll make it easy for you to step into the other's shoes sometimes to see what they are going through.

Take it from me . You can hide your head in the sand for decades like I did too afraid to take control of your own life.

Maybe one of these mornings the light bulb will come on and you'll find yourself looking in the bathroom mirror and asking yourself : "What the hell have I been doing? This is my life and it's half over already.I don't want this .I'm going to change this because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

You'll know what has to be done to change whatever it is that's been keeping you from growing as a person inside.Then it will be up to you to step forward and do the work that will transform your life .

This change in perspective sometimes frees others to grow as well especially when you step aside completely by removing yourself in an emotional way or actually putting an end to a relationship and leaving the situation.Sometimes having to walk away from a commitment leaves a big hole in someone else's life that was tied to your own and the void will have to be filled and they will be forced to grow also .

I was taught that as a good Catholic(which I am not anymore ) if you make your bed you have to sleep in it that when you marry it is for life and so if down the road it's not comfortable then you just have to live with it and make the best of it .

But what happens when you do your best and it's not good enough?

You end up talking yourself out of being hurt and angry at the person and you lock it up inside because you don't want to rock the boat and so you second guess your feelings because you are supposed to be the giver ... the mom .. the good wife ...and so you keep the home fires burning yearning inside for the soulmate you always dreamed of when you were a little girl .

The one that was going to make everything better, the one that was going to be your best friend as well as your lover. ... the husband that you thought would be your partner, your best friend and would share his life and soul with you didn't do this and so you sucked it up and went on for a few more decades..hoping .. praying .. and hurting.

I really believe that we are given free will and it doesn't matter how wrapped up in promises and chains and contracts your life is you don't have to stay one second longer than you are willing to suffer and so I stayed .

If you do stay when you know you shouldn't , your body will let you know and you will begin to die inside .

Learn to love yourself and your life will change as mine did .Just don't take so much time to do this .It's such a waste . Just make up your mind to change whatever it is you really want to change in your life and get on with it .

No more crying frustrated lonely tears .No more expecting my mate to change for me . No more thinking that it should all revolve around me .

The day I decided to change my life and leave my marriage (although it was a bit hard on the family) it was no great surprise to anyone except my husband who had resigned himself and never thought for a minute that I would actually someday leave him .By the time I was really ready I had lost all my love for him .I didn't hate him. I just felt nothing inside but a sisterly feeling towards him .

It's only been five years since I took my life back for me .I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mother God was there with me that morning .

I remember turning circles in the middle of the living room with my arms wrapped around myself in a hug crying and so the child inside that was so hurting all these years took my heart in hers and said ."This half is just for you .. take it . it's all yours and it's time . No going back. It's going to be ok."

Five years later I still cry but not because of my decision.I've never shed a tear over that day . It was time to leave and I knew it.I've had to learn however since then what it feels like to be at the receiving end of a broken heart because I fell into a few relationships soon after the breakup and realized that hurts and heartaches are always going to be a part of life .The most important thing I think in this particular lesson is learning to accept ourself without judgment and know that all the other person wants is basically the same thing .To be loved , understood , cherished .. appreciated ..only thing is it might not be with me or you .It really shouldn't bother us so much when we are rejected but it hurts like hell but eventually we learn that it shouldn't be taken so personally as to let it define us to the core .

Sometimes it feels like I am living all of the years I lost but I wouldn't take any of them back for all the money in the world .

I love my freedom but can't help but still believe in a prince charming out there just for me . I can't help longing for my soulmate . But this time if he ever comes into my life my Knight in Shining Armor is going to be by my side .He will be my best friend. We will stand together not apart and it will be unconditional. We will share the rest of life's pleasures and pains together and really like each other as well as be deeply in love.

I always thought the child within me that wanted and expected love was the part of me that was weak but a child is very very resilient and willing to try new things and heals quickly after each scraped knee and is willing to go through doors that an adult wouldn't dare enter .

I will forever keep this child alive inside me . She is my rock and is the part of me that is so stubborn .She is healing me. She just won't give up and looks at life with such hope and joy.I really love this part of myself and am on my way to fully understanding her part in my life .Look to the child and you will see wisdom there .

As I type these words I am waiting for a new man to come in my life but even if he never comes I'll always see love through the eyes of a romantic. I know it's a shared time together with another soul that has all the yearnings to be understood and loved as well.

Life. I do love you. I am blessed . I am happy to live . I am grateful for all of the experiences that have brought me to this moment in time .It is teaching us all great lessons as the seconds , minutes , hours , days , months , years and decades see us go by till we each inevitably snuff out like a candle in the wind that burned brightly for a little while hopefully spreading warmth and light to others in the dark.

I am able to enjoy the moment in the past, present and future all at the same time, in the now because I am not satisfied ..I will never be satisfied grandma because I know and understand that the possibilities are endless, there are no limits and unconditional love is all that matters.

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