A Journey

 

 

Chapter 8

 

Since all of my Epiphanies one would think my life is finally together and that I sail through it without a care in the world wearing rose colored glasses while my feet never touch the ground . Not so .

I feel a lot better these days because I take my lumps and bumps as they come knowing that I can and will survive them .Of course I still cry buckets . Tears are meant to be shed. They wash the feelings away when the vessel is too full to hold them. I have found this little trick that really helps .

When I take a shower I ask that the water not only pours over my body to clean the dirt of the day but I also think of it as washing my insides cleaning all the negativity that has entered my mind and body .I picture it entering every pore and it all goes down the drain . Sometimes it gets pretty emotional in my little bathroom but I feel a lot better when I step out of it .

Growing up was hard on me but also hard on the rest of my family .I don't really know why there has been such a drive in me to put it on paper .It is very therapeutic I know and there is so much more I could share with everyone but as a life touches so many others in so many ways it wouldn't be fair to put the spotlight on anyone else unless it's by necessity in order to tell the story properly .

I remember mentioning to you that I had a cockroach story to tell

.I had a friend that was my age .We were around eight years old. She lived just two doors down from me . She wanted me to sleep over and I had pestered my mom so much I finally did wear her down and although she wouldn't tell me why she didn't like the idea I packed a little overnight bag and ran to her house right after dinner. It was the first time I had ever been allowed a sleep over and I was very excited.

That night we settled in her bedroom and talked for hours and finally fell asleep .

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as though there was something crawling in bed with us like maybe a spider .I brushed it away shivering (you know how I hate bugs ) . I was just about to nod off again when the train started it's way along the tracks behind the houses .Its horn blaring sadistically in the dark .Its light illuminated the walls as it went by and I saw what seemed to me like a million cockroaches swarming the walls bumping into each other and clicking as they dove or fell to the floor and the bed to get out of the blinding light .It had to have been one of the longest nights of my life .I remember rolling myself into as small a ball as I could wishing I had the nerve to run home .

Early next morning I was met at the back door by my mom who refused to let me in and had been ready for me since daybreak

She stripped me naked in the backyard .She burned all my clothes in a barrel to get rid of bed bugs and whatever else she said that might have taken the trip back with me and had me sit in a water filled laundry tub near the back door to be scrubbed clean .She had soaked my hair in coal oil to get rid of lice.

 

"I know how much you wanted to spend the night over there . Now you know why I didn't want you to go. :Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way ."she smiled . I was given a fresh pair of clothes and was allowed back inside.

My playmate had such a hard life . Her dad was a very abusive alcoholic that beat her mother and the children regularly and subjected his wife to many indignities no one should ever have to go through .… He would come home drunk crawling on all fours and we could see him cursing and and swearing in a rage stumbling home over the little bridge over Chippewa creek on so many evenings . He was a very big man and I was so afraid for my friend when I saw him coming home like this . .One day in one of his horrible states he put a shotgun to his chest and begged his little boy, the youngest of his children to pull the trigger . "If you love me you will shoot me" and he took his little boy's fingers and put them on the trigger and in a moment he was dead .

I remember hearing the blast and then a scream and then my girlfriend running out of her house screaming that P___ had just shot daddy. . I'll never forget it .

What a world we live in with so much misery and so many stories not told and sufferings kept hidden beneath what looks like ordinary lives . We are all of us extraordinary .Every one of us has a story to tell .Most of us just keep certain parts of ourselves locked up either too afraid to speak of things or just choosing to bury what we go through underneath all the experiences we have till they are so covered up in time that we can pretend none of it ever happened at all . .. until something inside us snaps and the bubble rises and it has to be dealt with.

All of you that are hurting , sometimes not even knowing why you feel the way you do . It could be because of things that have happened to you when you were little .. Be open to your feelings Listen to the little child in you that's trying to explain to you why she or he feels this way.. You have every right to feel all the emotions you feel.. anger , sadness joy , fears of the unknown .. all of them. . They should all be acknowledged as they arise.. .yesterday can't be changed .Words spoken can't be taken back . All we've got is now.. Live in the moment . Put one foot in front of the other and be proud that you survived at all !! .

The nightmares my little friend had to live through I cannot bring myself to describe it all to you because I don't know the half of it and never will. I remember mine but hers are also part of my past. because her life touched mine for a while.

I know that much later I heard that her mother finally had a measure of peace after his death .The little boy was never blamed for what happened. What became of the people that lived on that street when I was a little girl. I really don't know .

So many children .. so much heartache .. so much pain .. and we wonder why things like this keeps repeating itself over and over again in so many families and we look at television now and the news and we wonder why nations can't get along .

We can't even get along with our own families and neighbors .. No wonder the world is so screwed up.

Learn to love you . Learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect and then take it one step further and forgive the others for not measuring up..Life isn't easy for anyone and if it seems that way when you look at someone that seems to be living on easy street believe me .. you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors so we shouldn't be so quick to judge .

I wish I could heal myself in an instant of the things that seem to keep me in revolving

doors repeating scenarios over and over again .Seems the faces are different but the situations the same . At least I am recognizing this and so maybe I will be careful next time a particular lesson shows up .I think I'm finally starting to know me!!Recognizing it is a beginning .

I know I am more than flesh and blood . I know that I am an immortal being . I also know that there are many out there that think this is so much hogwash but I don't care what they think

.It's not important that they jump on my bandwagon . I just know it from source inside myself and it tells my heart that nothing and no one in this world is unimportant and ever totally alone .

I have so much love and affection to give and it goes to the child within me that will always be a part of me, to my soul mate should we ever find each other , my kindred spirits .. my children ,my grandchildren ,the friends I have met , the ones I grew up with in that little house by the railroad tracks and all of those whose lives have touched mine in very personal ways for reasons unknown to no one but my Creator..… and as I know that Love multiplies, I have much more to send out into the hearts of all those little ones that are trapped in childlike circles of pain that their adult selves can't seem to break away from .

I will tell you something … When you feel like there is nowhere to turn to .. when life is so hard and you seem to have too much on your shoulders go outside on a clear night and look up .

There are many many stars out there aren't there? .. You are on one of them . You are a little speck on a little speck and yet .. you are aware of your own existence .

We are miracles after all and children of the Universe.

Come with me …... right now!!

I will sing you a song and take your hand and bring you into my backyard where the summer breeze still smells as sweet grass and clover …. where the sun warms your body and mind in a hug from within

Look up and see the clouds overhead in the blue sky .Can you hear the birds?? the grasshoppers ? The bees? Sit on my little swing …I will push... We will sing every song we love .. we will sing them one after the other .. We have all the time in the world my friend because we are immortal divine sparks in a universe that knows all the songs in all of eternity and we are part of it all..

Lets fly together ..close your eyes and feel the joy of living in the now .I love you .

 

 

 

 

Gnostic Calming Prayer

 

Look and see

Don't try to analyze

Just be.

Live each second in time

as if it is your last.

Listen to the birds outside

just chirping away.

 

 

They do not analyze everything.

They are just living life.

Not judging themselves.

They fly, they live as much as they can

drinking in each moment .

You are "Awake"

How much more precious this is.

You can see the ALL in everything.

You are the experiencer

Through you and all soul connections

You are the ALL that is.

Don't focus so much on the shell

that you are.

It is just a shell.

It is not really WHO you are

Be still.

and breathe the life you have

in this small moment in time.

It is yours and unique.

In this moment.. just smile

and just be.

For I am here with you

I am the I AM.

                                    Paulette Grant

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